In 2020, we’re oh-so-lucky to have dozens of terms to describe negative dating and romantic experiences, among them “ghosting,” “curving,” “breadcrumbing,” and “zombieing.” This array of terms can help us quickly communicate to one another our love life mishaps. However, these terms, which are often cutesy or goofy-sounding, can mask harmful, unhealthy or manipulative behaviors in others, and even in ourselves.

Ghosting is perhaps one of the most popularly used dating terms that has come into common use in the last few years. What it boils down to is a person suddenly cutting off a romantic partner, or someone with whom they had an established a connection, with no explanation. Because of the ubiquity of the term, however, it has been used to describe a wide range of behavior, a range so wide that using one term is insufficient and confusing.

On the one end of the spectrum, the term has been used to describe months-long relationships being suddenly ended, which can cause severe distress for the person who has been left behind, questioning where they went wrong without any source of closure.

Ghosting of this kind can lead to feelings of deep betrayal and damage a person’s ability to trust in future relationships. This kind of emotional damage deserves to be taken seriously, and while the term “ghosting” may be a helpful shorthand to help others understand what you’re going through, it doesn’t adequately describe the behavior of the person doing the ghosting, or the resulting feelings.

A more accurate term would be avoidance, or even abandonment. Using a nickname that masks the full meaning of what has happened does not allow the person to fully cope with or understand the emotions they are experiencing.

Ghosting’s meaning has been complicated by its use in many different contexts. Sometimes, ghosting isn’t about romance at all.

“I don’t think this is just something that’s happening with college-age people,” said Dr. Madonna Harrington Meyer, a professor of sociology at Syracuse University. “And I don’t think it’s only happening with relationships either,” she said. “It can be very painful … I also think people often need closure.”

While abandonment by a friend or loved one isn’t new to this century, the pain of ghosting and its ease of spotting has been accentuated by technology.

“The only way to be in touch with each other was by telephone,” said Harrington Meyer. “But now, if you want to let something peter out sort of naturally, let it go, that’s hard to do … because there are so many different ways to get in touch.”

Another dating term that masks harmful behaviors is breadcrumbing. It can take many forms, but the idea is that someone will give you sporadic attention, enough to keep your interest, but not enough to commit or give you a solid idea of where the relationship is heading.

Calling it “breadcrumbing” masks what this behavior really is: manipulation. It’s essentially the same thing as leading a person on, making a person think they’ll eventually develop a relationship when the person doing the “breadcrumbing” has no intentions of the sort. Breadcrumbing, though, is just like ghosting in that it is also applied to a wide range of behaviors.

Breadcrumbing has been used to describe the behavior of sporadic social media attention — occasional likes on Instagram, or sprinkling of views of Instagram and Snapchat stories. This could be a method of getting attention, but it could also just be genuine behavior with no secret motive.

Practically anyone who’s ever had a crush within the past decade has probably been guilty of overanalyzing their crush’s every social media interaction, but just because this behavior is common doesn’t make it healthy.

Stepping back and asking yourself whether the behavior you’re seeing is genuine manipulation, or if you might be overthinking things, can give you a more balanced perspective that can’t be reached with a simple one-word term.

Ghosting, breadcrumbing, and other dating behaviors may be accentuated by online communication, where body language and other indications of a person’s interest, or lack thereof, aren’t as easy to detect.

“You don’t have the social cues, you don’t know if they’re smiling,” said Harrington Meyer. “It can be harder to interpret exactly what it means.”

Because we use online, nonverbal communication so often, we can miss out on how others are feeling in ways that we wouldn’t in person. If someone truly doesn’t care about your feelings, then there’s only so much you can do, but having an honest conversation with someone you feel is ghosting or breadcrumbing you, instead of assuming that’s what their actions mean, could help clear up confusion between both of you.

It’s not realistic or productive to ask people to give up using catchy dating terms altogether. They can serve a purpose, too. When you’re hanging out with friends talking about dating horror stories, you’re probably not going to want to delve into deep psychoanalysis of a failed relationship. However, when you have some time to reflect, try going beyond these dating terms to think about and process what’s really going on.

Try acknowledging what’s happening, or even talking to the other person involved about their actions and feelings: “This person is manipulating me through inconsistent attention,” or “I might be overanalyzing this person’s behavior.” Even though this analysis might initially seem more painful, it will eventually help identify and process complicated emotions.

Whether you’re single, in a relationship, or somewhere in between, taking the time to properly assess your feelings and behavior can only benefit your personal relationships.

 

Mallory Stokker is a junior magazine journalism major. Her column appears bi-weekly. She can be reached at mstokker@syr.edu. She can be followed on Twitter at @_malloryyrose_.

Published on February 19, 2020 at 6:09 pm